The lost child
by icclenomi
Summary: He had been told throughout his entire life "you will always be a child of two worlds" but it wasn't true, not really." Something is eating at Spock and Jim won't stop until he gets to the bottom of it. kirk,spock friendship no slash, sorry INCOMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

I apologise in advance for all the mistakes that will likely appear in this story- whilst I have seen some of the older Star trek things- I was only very little and I do not pretend to remmeber anything relevant other than names and faces- I am one of the "New-Trek" fans.

* * *

Chapter 1

Each offhand comment of his heritage grated at him, each word providing a small scar to add to his collection. He hid his feelings because they were his own, and he did not wish to burden those in his company with them- his mind told him they meant no real malice with their words. He had been told throughout his entire life "you will always be a child of two worlds" but it wasn't true, not really. In truth; he had no planet, no place he would be welcomed as one and the same- on Vulcan he had received patronising treatment for his "disadvantaged" life, and the humans treated him as an other- to they who called themselves 'friend' he would always be the "pointy-eared bastard", a "green-blooded hobgoblin", an emotionless drone. By all accounts he was an anomaly, a freak of nature- he should not exist because there is no place in the universe for him to exist. This is why he never said anything to them, because he was lucky enough that they looked his way at all.

Jim often wondered where his friend went whenever he disappeared from the bridge- the only warning they ever got was "excuse me, Captain". Well, enough secrets- the curiosity was itching all over his body, and so he watched Spock from the corner of his eye at all times, what did he do? Then he saw it. He saw his first officer's barely visible deflation upon a seemingly harmless remark- surely this could not be why he was forever disappearing...

"Excuse me, Captain." Spock gave a small nod, and he responded.

"Mr Spock." And Spock was gone swiftly. He stayed and thought for a moment before himself standing up and making his way toward the exit. "Take the cons, Chekov."

If I was Spock... where would I go? Jim made his way down the corridors before recalling something he saw when Spock's older counterpart had melded minds with him- a small reclusive area on the 3rd level where crew members rarely ventured, the other Spock had often stood there gazing out of the window- who's to say his Spock wouldn't also?

He found Spock sitting on the floor, of all places, staring blankly through the transparent wall at the stars. He was slouching in a way Jim had never seen him hold himself before and, before he could fully register the full situation in front of him, Jim saw his first officer, his friend, take a deep shuddering breath and pull his knees to his chest. Suddenly he felt like he was intruding, watching in on what should have been a private moment. He knew Spock would never have allowed himself to be seen like this, hence the continuous disappearing act, which was increasing with every week aboard the Enterprise. However, he could not allow himself to leave and forget this situation, it needed to be addressed. His friend needed help, that much was clear.

"Spock-" Immediately his first officer was on his feet and facing him, his face was clean but he could not hide the fact that he had been crying- his eyes were slightly bloodshot, blinking more than usual- and the dampness on the Vulcan's left sleeve did not go unnoticed by the young Captain. "Spock, something is troubling you-"

"I am perfectly alright, Captain." he stood a little straighter.

"No, you're not, Spock." Jim spoke, he breifly considered taking a hold of the other's shoulders. "You've been disappearing from the bridge over and over again-"

"My apologies, Captain, I was not aware that my presence was being missed- I shall try to-"

"Spock, I'm not here about you... breaching any form of … well anything..."

"Sir?"

"Damnit, Spock- I told you to call me Jim-"

"I am s-"

"Don't apologise just..." He took a breath and looked into his friend's eyes. "You're in pain."

"I believe you are mistaken."

"I'm not mistaken- you're in pain- something's buggin' you and I wanna know what it is."

"I assure you, sir, I am-"

"I need to know that if anything is bothering you, or hurting you, that you will tell me. I think its to do with thoughtless comments about you and your heritage... isn't it?"

"It would be highly illogical for me to take any heed of such utterances-"

"But feelings aren't always logical, Spock! Most of them aren't." there was hesitation from the other side. "come on... talk to me."

"There... is much you do not know about my life before I joined Starfleet." The pain was evident in his eyes. "I do not know if I am able to form it into words."

"Mind meld."

"Jim?" The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.

"You can use mind meld, can't you? Help me understand- show me."

"I am not well skilled in-"

"Please- you need this. Share your pain- it'll make it easier."

"I do not wish to trouble y-" Jim cut him off with a hand to the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm asking." He pulled Spock down onto the floor and they sat across from one another with crossed legs. "It'll help- I promise."

"I do not have good control over what passes through-"

"I don't care- you need this, and I can handle it." Hesitation was etched onto his normally stoic face as he raised his hand and placed it on the side of Jim's face. He closed his eyes and they began.

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_**I was born, as you know, a child of two worlds- however throughout my lifetime I have always been isolated from both.** Jim took in the sight in front of him as numerous Vulcan children pushed his friend in order to 'illicit an emotional response'. He felt the young Spock's pain; embarrassment, confusion- which as the situations moved on through time changed to acceptance. Acceptance that this was what he deserved, he was after all an anomaly. **The one person in my life who accepted me always, was my mother**. He saw a beautiful woman soothing Spock in her arms- tiny Spock, who couldn't be more than 8. He could feel hurt washing over him, as well as a feeling of love and safety- this woman- Spock's mother's presence was comforting. As images flashed by quickly- as if Spock rushing through them so as not to provide too much information- Jim could feel a number of different emotions, they pulled him in every direction- shame, anger, guilt, and then a feeling he wished he never had- complete and utter despair and depression. However much he hated the feeling, he knew he had to try to find it and so refused to leave it, pulling Spock though his own mind until he found it-_

Spock pulled away his hand at this point and turned away from Jim, who could only stare in horror. Never could he have...

"Suicide?" he breathed. "what could have..." he didn't finish his sentence. He felt what Spock had, to a lesser degree. "You've missed out chunks. You skipped a few years, you were a child in most of those memories- but that could not have been more than a few months ago. Spock..."

"I... do not believe it would be... useful for..." the Vulcan commander composed himself as best he could. "I would appreciate it if you agreed not to speak with anyone about what you now know, Jim."

"No." He found himself shaking. "No, you need to show me what led to that. You were wearing your uniform- you were aboard this ship- I need to know."

"I do not think that-"

"Now." Jim grabbed onto his friend's hand and placed it on his face. "Else I will ensure that Uhura and Bones get it out of you."

Reluctantly, Spock re-engaged with Jim in a mind meld.

_To his horror he saw much of Spock's anguish coming from him and his treatment of him. The early days of the Enterprise, then many of his crew making thoughtless comments, however the even that Spock settled on saw Spock walking down the corridor to the sick bay with a burned hand only to stop as he heard Jim and McCoy conversing._

_"Is he only here because he has nowhere to go?"_

_"I don't think that's it. Spock just... he's Spock."_

_"I never got why a Vulcan wanted to join Starfleet in the first place."_

_"But he's only half Vulcan-"_

_"True, but he doesn't exactly fit in." he heard McCoy speaking. "Man, that pointy-eared bastard really makes me feel dumb sometimes."_

_"He makes everyone feel dumb- He must've spent years learning everything to know about the universe- he's like a robot-"_

_"A robot would show more emotion-"_

_"He shows emotion- how else did I become captain?"_

_"True..." _

_"Hes a useful guy to have around sometimes, but man, does he infuriate me..." at this point in time Spock had turned round and scanning the hallway for any crew members made his way quickly to a transporter before letting out a sob._ Jim felt himself being pulled back to reality once more as he looked into the eyes that held so much hurt.

"I have complied with your wishes to observe the events leading to the previous, if you'll please excuse me, Captain." Spock all but ran from the spot he had long thought of as a sanctity, leaving the Captain alone with his thoughts, to sort out which emotions were his own and which had leaked over from the Vulcan's mind. Not only had Spock's entire planet alienated him, but he and all his crew had also. He had almost led to his friend's death- he had contributed countless blows to Spock's emotional state- some deliberately, and on command, but the others... he hadn't realised exactly how much they said about Spock, but also how much he had actually heard. He needed to speak with his crew- this stopped today. It ended. Slowly he stood and made his way to the sick bay.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

I immediately apologise for the amount of speech in this chapter... I seemed to get further trapped in it with each line...

* * *

_"Bones." Jim called out for his senior medical officer upon entering the sick bay. "Bones, where are you?"_

_"Damnit, Jim. I can't get more than five minutes of sleep?" _

_"This is important."_

Uhura wasn't entirely sure why they were each being given 'routine medical examinations', there wasn't any epidemics as far as she was aware- and she didn't think they'd been exposed to any kind of radiation. It had her in a puzzle, but she thought it best to put it out of her mind as she made her way down the corridor. Apparently all of the senior crew had been summoned at once and she found herself in McCoy's office with the Captain, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty and the doctor himself, who looked to be feeling quite guilty. Suddenly she realised that this was not about an examination at all, but rather something not to be discussed in the open. She was very aware of their Vulcan companion's absence and was about to raise the question of his whereabouts as Kirk stood.

"Spock has... we need to talk about some of the stuff we say on this ship. It can have a... a real negative effect on people. I'm not saying I'm guiltless- far from it. I... if anything I've been the worst- however, it needs to be addressed."

"Captain, are you saying that Spock has complain-" This came from Scotty.

"Not at all. And that's part of the problem- we can't always tell how bad an effect what we say can have."

"Wait... so he hasn't complained?"

"Not outright..."

"So how do you know?" the captain sighed, as if he hadn't wanted to have to explain.

"First clue was the disappearing act he's been pulling at an increasing rate-"

"We've upset him?" Uhura felt herself breathing out.

"Guys, look the thing is... it... its no secret that we're pretty much all from different backgrounds here, right? I don't wanna sound real bad here but- we are." They nodded. "Now I know everyone would be kicking off had any comments been made about your heritage, Chekov- or about yours, Uhura... do you guys get what I'm saying?"

"We've been... how much?"

"Pretty much every day. Now I know not all of us have done it as much as others, but its an issue that needs to be addressed, and soon- without drawing too much attention... I was hoping that you guys could help by talking with some of the other crew members." They each nodded their agreement. "Okay, I don't want you guys to talk to Spock about this, I think he's embarrassed- I know that he feels like it would burden us, which is why he's been holding out in the first place... Well, you can go- Uhura, could I talk to you a minute?"

As the others left Uhura wiped at her face to remove traces of the tears she had felt during the conversation. The Captain sat down opposite her and leaned forward, his hands holding onto her legs.

"I know you're closer to him than anyone else on this ship. I... when he left me... I need to explain everything to you- because I think you can help..." She nodded silently, and allowed him to continue. "He showed me- that's how I know."

"He mind melded?" she felt a tinge of envy as he had so far maintained that it was not something he liked to do, it was not something he was good at controlling, why had he done it with Kirk, and not even considered it with her?

"I... coerced him into it, I don't think he liked it very much- he... let slip things he didn't want me to see..."

"You what?"

"I told him he needed it, even though he was adamant he didn't want to 'burden me'. God, has he spoken with you at all about anything on his mind?" a shake of the head. "The first time.. his childhood- he was isolated on Vulcan, deemed too human or something- kids were taunting him, and, and the adults did nothing to dissuade them from it- they just let the kids make him feel like crap- he... I could feel everything- his loneliness, his, his, he was depressed... he was 8 and he was depressed... and then... he lost control and I saw something I wasn't meant to..."

Uhura frowned, tears shining on her face as Jim trailed off, hesitated.

"What... what was it?" was it terrible? How terrible? Is he alright?

"It was from just a few months ago- after everything that happened and... he... I could feel his intent- he wanted to .. he wanted to end it. End everything and... you need to know everything Uhura, I'm sorry- you're the only one who-"

"End it? No... no not Spock, he would never-"

"He didn't carry it out- it would be illogical to leave us without a competent first officer." he let out a hollow laugh. "I... he pulled away when he realised what he'd let slip and I... I made him reengage- explain how he got there-"

"You made him?" A dangerous tone found its way into her voice.

"I told him if he didn't I would... ensure you or bones got it out of him..."

"You blackmailed him into mind melding after what happened the first time?"

"It sounds eal bad when you say it like that- but I had to know."

"And what did you find out?" She was really angry with him now and he turned to her with overwhelming guilt etched onto his face.

"It was my fault."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

er.. its best if you don't question this chapter too much- I'm not entirely sure where it came from... it did have a purpose, but it's lost on me at present...

* * *

Spock buried himself in problems. Scientific problems that needed to be solved. He needed to resume bringing logic back into his life- he set up screens around his chamber and ensured they would hit him at full speed with the most complicated problems they could produce, he didn't want this to be easy. _Lights down, commence modified training program._ He could barely hear the questions through the blood pumping through his ears, however he managed to provide correct solutions to each problem within the time limits he had imposed and once he came to the end of the round of questions he found himself frustrated as he felt no different from before- deciding he needed harsher conditions he decreased the allowed time and programmed in penalties. _Commence modified training program 2. _The questions were spoken at triple speed and his time limits were halved. Each question unanswered increased the temperature in his room by a few degrees, and he found himself making more and more mistakes as the heat began to grate at him.

"_Captain."_

"Yeah, Scotty?" Jim looked away from Uhura, who was seething.

"_Captain, there's a problem with the temperature in Commander Spock's quarters- its been rising from half an hour- I've tried to shut it off, but there's some sort of manual override..."_

"Ah crap- Uhura, with me." Jim was on his feet and out of the door, his communications officer following close behind.

"What is it?"

"I don't know, but it can't be good- Scotty, how hot is it in there?"

"_223 Fahrenheit- Captain- he's inside the room."_ Jim broke into a sprint, startling Uhura.

"Captain?!" He wasn't listening, just looking for the right door, once found he tried to open it to no avail.

"Bridge! Open Commander Spock's chambers!" he hammered on the door. "SPOCK!"

"_Sir... it isn't responding to our controls..."_

"Damnit, Spock- open the door!" He threw himself into the hard barrier. Uhura turned the corner to see the Captain kicking at Spock's door.

"What are you doing?!"

"He's locked in there- its over 200 degrees in there and rising." he grabbed the two parts that made up the doorway and tried to wrench them apart. "Open the door!"

"Move. Computer, this is Nyota, please grant me entrance to the commander's chambers, I know he has programmed my authorisation." She tried to keep the shaking out of her voice as the doors slid open and they were hit with a wave of hot air. Looking for the manual controls, Jim quickly found the controls were tied to the computers dotted around the room. Seeing Spock barely holding himself up on hands and knees he knelt next to him.

"What did you do, Spock?"

"I... am merely running a training sequence... and have everything under my control..."

"Computer- disengage training sequence. Are you nuts?"

"I need... I needed to..." Uhura gently moved Spock's head so he was facing her and wiped a sheen of sweat from his brow.

"It's okay. It's fine. Can you..." she ran her fingers through his soaked hair, "Come with me to the sick bay, please?"

"I do not think that-"

"Spock, you need to come with me, okay?" she spoke in a firm, but gentle voice. "Your body isn't accustomed to such large temperatures, and I don't recall seeing you at lunch today- think about it logically- you need to come with me to see Dr McCoy."

"Nothing is logical any more- I cannot seem to... I can't..."

"shh, shh- it's okay- I want you to come with me, okay? Spock? Spock!" He sagged in her arms, his breaths shallow, his eyes unseeing. "Captain!"

"Crap! Bones, prepare the sick bay for our arrival- Uhura." Jim motioned to Spock and she placed a kiss on his forehead and allowed her Captain to pull her companion into his arms.

"_What's going on?"_

"Spocks dehydrated, overheated and barely concious"

"_What happened?!" _

"We'll explain when we get there." two sets of feet pounded down the corridors of the Starship Enterprise.

TBC

* * *

I'm no scientist so the temperatures... I dont know if theyre dangerous or not- particularly as I don't ever work in Fahrenheit...


	5. Chapter 5

I think... I have overshot the temperature quite a lot! Lol- but you know what... its dramatic... right? I hope you guys know that I read every review and take them in as best I can- I'm probably not going to draw much attention to them until at least the end however- because I get easily distracted and I don't wanna lose what little plot I have in my head lol, so I hope you will all forgive me.

* * *

_What could have possessed him to... it was incomprehensible, it didn't make any sense... since when did Spock not make sense? _Jim sat in the sick bay watching his friend. He wasn't going to be happy once he discovered what Uhura, and now Bones, knew. It was bad enough now, when he only had them displeased with him, hell- _he_ was displeased with him. But what did he know about making things better? He just made things worse- when older Spock had instructed him to, in essence, break his younger counterpart there hadn't been a problem- but now he had to fix him... he was lost. Upon arriving in the sick bay it had come to light that not only was Spock severely overheated and dehydrated, but that he hadn't eaten sufficiently for some time.

"Not to say he's done it on purpose, Jim. If what you say is right, and he is depressed, he could have lost his appetite because of it."

"What do we do?"

"I don't know."

"What? No 'I can fix that'?"

"Jim- this is a delicate situation- I shouldn't even know most of what I know, and nor should Uhura- or for that matter you. Jim, when someone says no- stop pushing."

"If I hadn't then who-"

"I know, but whilst its good that we know about this and can try to solve some of the problems- you blackmailed him, Jim! You used his wish for privacy against him, and then carried out the threat regardless!"

"I'm trying, Bones- is that not enough anymore?" he found himself shouting back. "You think I like doing this? You think I didn't _agonise_ over telling you guys? My _friend_ is in trouble and I don't have a clue how to help him- I can't shoot someone and make it go away, I can't... I can't reprogram it and make it easier- I needed help so I got it."

"Jim, you're in (the sick bay, keep it down.)" Bones tried to calm his friend.

"You- you've got far more chance of being able to help him, you're well versed in medicine- you've seen depression before you know how it works and and, Uhura- Uhura knows Spock better than anyone- she knows him far better than anyone and he might open up to her- and I know she cares about him just as much as I do- maybe even more- I don't want anything bad to happen to him- I don't want him to leave me just as we're making friends- I don't want to lose him! God, what was he doing? Did he want to...?"

"Jim, try not to think about it until he wakes up, okay? Speculation is a terrible thing."

"Leonard... if Spock is capable of this... if he feels this much despair, can't deal... what chance do the rest of us have?" the use of McCoy's given name didn't go unnoticed by the doctor and he softened.

"I honestly don't know anything. Look, Jim, why don't you get some rest and I'll let you know if-"

"No. I'm staying right here."

She could not recall any other moment which compared with this one, this feeling. She never wanted to experience it again. She stood in a restroom, covering herself repeatedly in cold water- she had never felt so scared before her companion collapsed against her. He had let down all of his barriers when the heat seeped its way through his body, she had never seen him so vulnerable and didn't know how long it would take for him to work past it. She hadn't liked the idea that he had weighed less than herself when the captain placed him on the bed, she hadn't liked the fact that he had punished himself so severely for missing questions- and she most certainly hadn't liked how he had made her feel through this process. There were a great deal of things she hadn't liked over the past couple of days, and she found herself hating Spock for making her feel this way. Then, feeling incredibly guilty for even hating him for a second, she found herself once again hating her captain, the man who seemed to always be around when Spock lost control of his emotions before once again finding herself unable to focus her anger on one man. She could see the guilt he felt for what had transpired, she could see how helpless he felt and she found herself sharing his feelings. Finally turning off the tap and drying her face with a flannel she took a deep breath and headed back towards her friends.

TBC

* * *

wow this chapter was anaphora city! Right... will work on the whole... making this actually seem like a half decent piece of literature. Maybe once I've finished I will go through this with a fine tooth-comb and actually give some evidence of actually taking A level English...


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry this took so long...and is so short...

* * *

Leonard felt with every bone in his body that this entire situation was wrong. There were no indications previous to the full meltdown. It seemed... off. As if things were accelerated or blown out of proportion. He searched the ship's database for any known environmental factors that may have affected Spock. Why did it feel bad? Was this just hoping that they weren't really to blame for the events that transpired over the last few days?_ No_. He quickly decided, _that wasn't it at all._ Spock had dealt with offhand remarks, and deliberate comments, for years, when he was a child even. Why should it suddenly manifest itself now? Now, at a time there were no real battles between Starfleet personnel? He wasn't aware of any friction coming from the Vulcans either. After several hours of hard research he had to accept that he could find nothing to explain the situation logically. He laughed to himself, _logically_? That would have amused even Spock himself had he heard the good doctor's thoughts. But then... no one was entirely logical, not even their resident Vulcan. Sometimes, people just got overwhelmed. He had known several people, himself included, who had suffered from emotional breakdowns after high stress events had taken place. Several of his schoolmates had been seemingly fine during their final exams only to then lock themselves away or party themselves into exhaustion. Maybe it was the sudden release of no longer having any distractions for him to cling to that had caused the Vulcan to endure a very large meltdown. A whistle sounded from the ships intercom, pulling him out of his thoughts. Jim Kirk's voice sounded through the newly repaired system.

"He's awake."

When Spock became aware of his surroundings he immediately began searching around him for his uniform, which only served to alert the captain as to his awakening. He should not have let his feelings show so openly, it was most unwise- what his companions must think of him, what they must now feel. Pity, he knew of that human emotion- they would pity him and he would be helpless to stop them. Realising that, not only could he not locate his uniform, but also that Jim Kirk was now over at his side, he decided his best option would be to attempt to remain as stoic as possible.

"Spock, you're... you're awake..." Jim seemed to be uncertain as to what to say.

"You are correct, Captain. I must apologise for missing what I assume to be more than one of my allotted shifts-"

"Spock, that doesn't... you matter- not your shifts." How could that possibly...

"Your logic is flawed, Captain. If my shifts aboard this vessel are unimportant then I would not be required on our miss-"

"NO!" Spock raised an eyebrow at his captain's sudden outburst. "I mean, uh- that's not what I meant. uh... lemme get Bones. I guess he should know you're..."

Jim could feel his ears going red as he stumbled through his words. He'd been sitting by Spock's side for 53 hours, waiting to see he would be all right, that he would pull through and yet, now that he had awoken, he hadn't a clue what to say or do- so he called Bones.

* * *

Okay... so this chapter was exceedingly short... unfortunately I have been enduring the most awful writers block- however I am determined to get this story finished, so do not worry too much.


	7. AN

Firstly- a big thank you to all my reviewers- I certainly never anticipated this many- and if not for how many of you seem to wish for this story tyo continue I would not be writing this:

I am _very very_ sorry- I needed to focus on my A level examinations and in doing so broke my concentration entirely- I'm afraid I have lost the thread of this story and I have no idea how to find it again. So, at least for now, this story is sleeping- in stasis if you will.

If theres anyone out there who wishes to take over or has any ideas for me to perhaps build on, please feel free to send me a message and I'd be more than happy to discuss.

once again, thank you to all of you, and my apologies.


End file.
